Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let us have One more place exactly where American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Every person a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he should really cease working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from House, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorized.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Functions

Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium wherever company could ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Come"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is now attracting notice from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even involve:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down services."

One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews advise:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."